Closure

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“Closure is a luxury many don’t get to experience.” One of my wisest and best friends told me that recently.

Like so many other women, I have had a few relationship-type experiences with the boys of my past.  I say relationship-type because none of them were official, none of them were exclusive, and none of them were able to give me closure.

Closure: the act or process of closing something.

In this case, I am talking about the process of moving on from a person I care for. A person I developed stronger feelings for than I originally intended because I knew from the beginning that this boy was no good. This boy was not the boy that would treat me well.  This boy was not the boy that would care for me the way I would like to be cared for.

Why is ending something so hard?

Instead, he is the boy that plays too many games.  He is the boy that has too many side girls.  He is the boy that would rather dance around anything real for the sake of a casual hookup.

Casual hookup: A single act involving sexual intimacy; a supposed “liberating experience.”

There is nothing casual about casual hookups.  Casual alludes to something that is relaxing. Hooking up alludes to intimacy without the comfort of security. Intimacy without commitment…Well, for me intimacy is not casual. Intimacy is a moment that is profoundly personal. I need and want that security of being with someone that really wants to be there. I need and want that commitment from my partner. If a guy cant give that to me, then I cant give him a “casual hookup.”

I agree that for some women it is a liberating experience, and in theory, it is. For the women out there that can find casual hookups liberating, I salute you. For me, I guess it’s not something I want

Want: to have a desire to possess.

There is a difference between want and need. I want something more than a casual hookup.

I like to think that I am an independent woman.  I don’t need a man to make me happy.  No woman needs a man. What it is really about is wanting somebody.  Is wanting to not end up alone right?

I thought I wanted him, but now I see I’ve dodged a major bullet. So, what do I want now? I want answers to my questions. I want an explanation as to what happened. I thought things were working between us and then I saw you the next night with a new girl. I just want to put this to bed and to close the door.

I want closure.

Check the Box

In life, we are faced with many decisions, many paths, and many choices that we have to decide on…

We can only pick one.  We can only choose one.

So how do we make the “right” choice?  How do we know that we are making the right decision?  How do we know what path to take?

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I have a decision that I have to make.  It is not one of those die hard choices or decisions that impact my life forever.  Instead, it is a decision about a boy.  A boy that has been kind to me.  A boy that has been mean to me.  I say mean as if I am a child being picked on at the playground during recess.  What I mean is, being a “fuckboy.”  Having different woman almost every night.  Talking crap about what he has done with them.  Basically, treating women like they are expendable…

There are times when he is kind to me and I see a little light of goodness in him.  Sometimes, when he looks at me it’s like he truly cares (sometimes).  Sometimes, when he says things to me he has me believe that he cares. There was a brief moment where I actually thought he wanted to try things with him, officially.  Like I said, the moment was brief.

But when he treats me like he treats the other girls, I want to scream.  I’ve never slept with him because that is something that is too intimate for me sometimes without knowing where things are going with a boy…but I have stayed the night with him and he has always been sweet when I do.  He respects when I say no.  Unfortunately, I have found out that he has said some not nice things about me in bed to a mutual friend of ours.  I was livid.  I hated him.  I still do, but that doesn’t out weigh how I stupidly think our “connection” is different. I know it is not different, but I can’t shake the feeling of continuing to try…

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Am I crazy?  Because I feel crazy.

So where my decision comes into play is he is leaving for who knows how long and I don’t know if I should try to make an effort to see him one more time or leave it be.  All of my girlfriends say to leave it.  They say to walk away because he is no good.  They are all right.  But there is this part of me that wants to put it to bed by not walking away but by face to face. (yes, I am aware how silly and naive and stupid I sound).

Do I walk away or do I try one last time for a boy who has never tried back?

I guess I am looking for some outside guidance in this…

Little Masher

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It’s been a while.  In more ways than one.

Masher: slang for lover, womanizer. A bad boy.

Bad boys are wonderful.

Bad boys are trouble.

Bad boys are bad boys.

Except, bad boys have a little, tiny piece of good in them.  Something a girl saw in a split second but can last in her brain for moments to come. This split second good she saw is what she holds on to in her brain while she thinks things could be different.  While she thinks things could change.  He could change.

Change: make or become different.

But in all reality, this masher won’t change for her.  Someday he will change, but not now and not for her.

Everyone go through phases.  This phase is the bad boy phase.  A moment in time where moments shared are not equal to a relationship but equal is a time filler.

All in all, bad boys are experiences, not relationships at least for most girls.

Most girls learn that more times then not, when she plays with fire, she will get burned…

A Letter to Mom from a College Student

I love this!

sincerely, felicia

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Mom, Mother, Mommy, Mum…
Right now, I am not a bedroom 10 feet from yours. I am not under your roof, I am not eating your food… right now, I am at college.
My days consist of class, and homework, and then mostly lying in bed watching Netflix (a sight I know you hate to see). I have meetings for clubs to attend, tests to study for, and friends to goof off with. It may not always sound it but I am pretty busy.
When you call and I don’t answer, I am having a dance session singing my lungs out to music with my friends. When I see that I missed call from you, I feel pretty bad I missed it and I promise the first chance I get to call back I always do.
When I am up late at night sitting in bed talking with my roommates…

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Your Shirt

I sleep in your shirt.
It’s a comfort for me.

I sleep in your shirt.
it’s better than a picture to me.

I sleep in your shirt.
It’s a casualty to me.

I sleep in your shirt.
It’s a token for me.

I sleep in your shirt.
It’s a sign to me.

I sleep in your shirt.
It’s hope for me.

I sleep in your shirt..

Hanging Out

the simplicity of hanging out
the simplicity of hanging out

The memories of my past are fading. Some are fading faster than others. Some won’t fade and I don’t know if they ever will.

I remember feeling a certain way towards certain people. I remember those feelings but does that mean I still have those feelings? No. I don’t think I do. But, I have to ask, what happens to those feelings I once had for someone? What happened to the care I once had for someone? I still care about these certain people but it isn’t the same. Once talking constantly has turned into never talking. Why?

Any kind of relationship: romantic or friendly involves some effort. When is it time to stop giving in the effort? When is it time to stop caring because that person obviously doesn’t give a shit about what is going on in your life? I still care there. I care for all of my friends. Maybe there is so much going on in both of our lives that it is hard to put in some effort.  It’s not like we are back at college and can hangout whenever we want.

I guess I just miss that simplicity of hanging out again. I miss talking, smiling, laughing, and crying with them. As great as technology is, it is not the same as being with my friends in person, together again.

Love Thyself

So, I want to switch the topic up a little bit this time because I want to talk about fashion.

I am not an expert on fashion but I do like to know what is going on with trends and all of that fun stuff. Of course the first thing I notice is that the clothes and trends these designers show us are on models.  I am no model.  I am five foot girl just looking for some height, but I have also notices recent articles explaining how any trend can work for any body type.  Not going to lie but I appreciate articles like that. It’s as if the fashion world has taken a notice to us “non models” as Carrie Bradshaw would say.

I have also noticed the activism of body confidence.  Seeing women like Demi Lovato, Khloe Kardashian, and Jennifer Lawrence make a point about women’s’ bodies and how women are built differently is a fabulous thing to see. For me, seeing women in the spotlight promoting body confidence has me like our society a little bit more because it is a part of our society that makes a point to say uniqueness and individualism is something to be proud of and not something to be ashamed of.

I’m not going to body shame any body type because all women have gorgeous bodies.  When I was at college I lived with 11 different girls and we all different body types.  Some of us had more in common than others but the point is that we all found an appreciation for our bodies and for the bodies of our friends. It was interesting to see how we all still wanted something more, like I wanted to be skinner but then there were friends of mine that were the size I wanted to be but they didn’t like their hips or the fact that they didn’t have a but.  it’s ironic to see a thin girl and to me I think she has it all, but then to see she doesn’t, is interesting to see…

What isn’t interesting to see is how some people in the media feel the need to body shame people.  I kind of just want to be like “What’s the point?” Nothing is every accomplished when that happens. It’s just more negativity on realism and more positivity for the need to be “perfect.” Perfection is boring. Our flaws are what make us beautiful, unique, and real. I used this as a caption on my Instagram post and I did the #nomakeupmonday and I said “#nomakeupmonday because flaws are beautiful and being flawless is boring.”

#nomakeupmoday because flaws are beautiful and being flawless is boring
#nomakeupmoday because flaws are beautiful and being flawless is boring