Closure

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“Closure is a luxury many don’t get to experience.” One of my wisest and best friends told me that recently.

Like so many other women, I have had a few relationship-type experiences with the boys of my past.  I say relationship-type because none of them were official, none of them were exclusive, and none of them were able to give me closure.

Closure: the act or process of closing something.

In this case, I am talking about the process of moving on from a person I care for. A person I developed stronger feelings for than I originally intended because I knew from the beginning that this boy was no good. This boy was not the boy that would treat me well.  This boy was not the boy that would care for me the way I would like to be cared for.

Why is ending something so hard?

Instead, he is the boy that plays too many games.  He is the boy that has too many side girls.  He is the boy that would rather dance around anything real for the sake of a casual hookup.

Casual hookup: A single act involving sexual intimacy; a supposed “liberating experience.”

There is nothing casual about casual hookups.  Casual alludes to something that is relaxing. Hooking up alludes to intimacy without the comfort of security. Intimacy without commitment…Well, for me intimacy is not casual. Intimacy is a moment that is profoundly personal. I need and want that security of being with someone that really wants to be there. I need and want that commitment from my partner. If a guy cant give that to me, then I cant give him a “casual hookup.”

I agree that for some women it is a liberating experience, and in theory, it is. For the women out there that can find casual hookups liberating, I salute you. For me, I guess it’s not something I want

Want: to have a desire to possess.

There is a difference between want and need. I want something more than a casual hookup.

I like to think that I am an independent woman.  I don’t need a man to make me happy.  No woman needs a man. What it is really about is wanting somebody.  Is wanting to not end up alone right?

I thought I wanted him, but now I see I’ve dodged a major bullet. So, what do I want now? I want answers to my questions. I want an explanation as to what happened. I thought things were working between us and then I saw you the next night with a new girl. I just want to put this to bed and to close the door.

I want closure.

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