Category: personal

Closure

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“Closure is a luxury many don’t get to experience.” One of my wisest and best friends told me that recently.

Like so many other women, I have had a few relationship-type experiences with the boys of my past.  I say relationship-type because none of them were official, none of them were exclusive, and none of them were able to give me closure.

Closure: the act or process of closing something.

In this case, I am talking about the process of moving on from a person I care for. A person I developed stronger feelings for than I originally intended because I knew from the beginning that this boy was no good. This boy was not the boy that would treat me well.  This boy was not the boy that would care for me the way I would like to be cared for.

Why is ending something so hard?

Instead, he is the boy that plays too many games.  He is the boy that has too many side girls.  He is the boy that would rather dance around anything real for the sake of a casual hookup.

Casual hookup: A single act involving sexual intimacy; a supposed “liberating experience.”

There is nothing casual about casual hookups.  Casual alludes to something that is relaxing. Hooking up alludes to intimacy without the comfort of security. Intimacy without commitment…Well, for me intimacy is not casual. Intimacy is a moment that is profoundly personal. I need and want that security of being with someone that really wants to be there. I need and want that commitment from my partner. If a guy cant give that to me, then I cant give him a “casual hookup.”

I agree that for some women it is a liberating experience, and in theory, it is. For the women out there that can find casual hookups liberating, I salute you. For me, I guess it’s not something I want

Want: to have a desire to possess.

There is a difference between want and need. I want something more than a casual hookup.

I like to think that I am an independent woman.  I don’t need a man to make me happy.  No woman needs a man. What it is really about is wanting somebody.  Is wanting to not end up alone right?

I thought I wanted him, but now I see I’ve dodged a major bullet. So, what do I want now? I want answers to my questions. I want an explanation as to what happened. I thought things were working between us and then I saw you the next night with a new girl. I just want to put this to bed and to close the door.

I want closure.

Check the Box

In life, we are faced with many decisions, many paths, and many choices that we have to decide on…

We can only pick one.  We can only choose one.

So how do we make the “right” choice?  How do we know that we are making the right decision?  How do we know what path to take?

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I have a decision that I have to make.  It is not one of those die hard choices or decisions that impact my life forever.  Instead, it is a decision about a boy.  A boy that has been kind to me.  A boy that has been mean to me.  I say mean as if I am a child being picked on at the playground during recess.  What I mean is, being a “fuckboy.”  Having different woman almost every night.  Talking crap about what he has done with them.  Basically, treating women like they are expendable…

There are times when he is kind to me and I see a little light of goodness in him.  Sometimes, when he looks at me it’s like he truly cares (sometimes).  Sometimes, when he says things to me he has me believe that he cares. There was a brief moment where I actually thought he wanted to try things with him, officially.  Like I said, the moment was brief.

But when he treats me like he treats the other girls, I want to scream.  I’ve never slept with him because that is something that is too intimate for me sometimes without knowing where things are going with a boy…but I have stayed the night with him and he has always been sweet when I do.  He respects when I say no.  Unfortunately, I have found out that he has said some not nice things about me in bed to a mutual friend of ours.  I was livid.  I hated him.  I still do, but that doesn’t out weigh how I stupidly think our “connection” is different. I know it is not different, but I can’t shake the feeling of continuing to try…

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Am I crazy?  Because I feel crazy.

So where my decision comes into play is he is leaving for who knows how long and I don’t know if I should try to make an effort to see him one more time or leave it be.  All of my girlfriends say to leave it.  They say to walk away because he is no good.  They are all right.  But there is this part of me that wants to put it to bed by not walking away but by face to face. (yes, I am aware how silly and naive and stupid I sound).

Do I walk away or do I try one last time for a boy who has never tried back?

I guess I am looking for some outside guidance in this…

Little Masher

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It’s been a while.  In more ways than one.

Masher: slang for lover, womanizer. A bad boy.

Bad boys are wonderful.

Bad boys are trouble.

Bad boys are bad boys.

Except, bad boys have a little, tiny piece of good in them.  Something a girl saw in a split second but can last in her brain for moments to come. This split second good she saw is what she holds on to in her brain while she thinks things could be different.  While she thinks things could change.  He could change.

Change: make or become different.

But in all reality, this masher won’t change for her.  Someday he will change, but not now and not for her.

Everyone go through phases.  This phase is the bad boy phase.  A moment in time where moments shared are not equal to a relationship but equal is a time filler.

All in all, bad boys are experiences, not relationships at least for most girls.

Most girls learn that more times then not, when she plays with fire, she will get burned…

Your Shirt

I sleep in your shirt.
It’s a comfort for me.

I sleep in your shirt.
it’s better than a picture to me.

I sleep in your shirt.
It’s a casualty to me.

I sleep in your shirt.
It’s a token for me.

I sleep in your shirt.
It’s a sign to me.

I sleep in your shirt.
It’s hope for me.

I sleep in your shirt..

Hanging Out

the simplicity of hanging out
the simplicity of hanging out

The memories of my past are fading. Some are fading faster than others. Some won’t fade and I don’t know if they ever will.

I remember feeling a certain way towards certain people. I remember those feelings but does that mean I still have those feelings? No. I don’t think I do. But, I have to ask, what happens to those feelings I once had for someone? What happened to the care I once had for someone? I still care about these certain people but it isn’t the same. Once talking constantly has turned into never talking. Why?

Any kind of relationship: romantic or friendly involves some effort. When is it time to stop giving in the effort? When is it time to stop caring because that person obviously doesn’t give a shit about what is going on in your life? I still care there. I care for all of my friends. Maybe there is so much going on in both of our lives that it is hard to put in some effort.  It’s not like we are back at college and can hangout whenever we want.

I guess I just miss that simplicity of hanging out again. I miss talking, smiling, laughing, and crying with them. As great as technology is, it is not the same as being with my friends in person, together again.

Happiness is the Ultimate Accessory

This week is the first week back at my college that I am now an alumni of.

Naturally a lot of memories and emotions reemerged this week. Some being: nostalgia, happiness, sadness, love?

Or I should say what I thought was what could have been a beautiful love story.  Instead, it ended up being a tragedy that I am so thankful is over.

Anyways, I reached out to this ex lover of mine and it did wonders for me…

I don’t think about him as much.
I don’t miss him anymore
And most importantly, I don’t fantasize what could have been (this was a big one for me because the “what if” kept getting inside my head and I couldn’t stop them).

It was probably the most freeing thing I could have done for myself. Some of my friends would shake their heads at this but it was something I needed to do. It gave me the closure I was looking for this whole time. He and I were able to talk as if nothing ever happened and that’s all I wanted. I want to remember what happened so I can learn from the mistakes we both made but I want to forget the toxic feeling of it all because my past relationships and mistakes do not define me now.

It’s amazing how lighter I feel.  I’m no longer bitter/cynical about what happened. I think I can embrace what is to happen next now…

Happiness is the ultimate accessory
Happiness is the ultimate accessory

I am ready for the next chapter in my life.  I no longer want to wish time would reverse but I am excited for what is to come because I know that my life will bring so many unforeseen things that will make me smile.

Happiness is the ultimate accessory, I can never forget that.

A College Graduate Named Desire

I had an interesting talk with my mom today when we were on out way to the grocery store (yes, I still love going food shopping with my mom, it’s our thing and will always be our thing). She gave me some good advice, like she always does.  Her advice was to follow my desire.  Then I got to thinking about the word desire, which means a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen. I don’t know why but that word, desire, stood out to me.

My mom has been wonderful through out this whole growing up experience.  She supported and guided as best she could during my college years.  When I started college four years ago, I wasn’t quite sure what I wanted to study but my options were limited because my college had limited options. I ended up declaring my major during my freshman year and never looked back.  I declared English with a concentration in Creative Writing.  Why? What can I do with that? Do I want to teach?

Well, to start I declared English because I love to read, to analyze, and to write. Thats basically all you do as an English major and I loved it.  My college has a great English department with amazing and accomplished professors.  These professors demonstrated how much you can do with a passion for writing and reading.  I can do anything I want with my degree because I believe I have a good foundation to grow from.  For the third question, my grandmother taught and my dad taught, but I don’t think I have the teacher’s gene in me, but anything is possible…

Now, here I am at home with one job rejection under my belt and I still don’t regret my decision.  Why?  Because of the wise words of my mom.  She told me to study something I enjoy.  She also said with whatever I chose to do in life, as long as I like what I am doing then I will be happy in my life. She is a firm believer in money does not buy happiness.  She told me that no amount of money will make me like a job that I hate doing and that isn’t a desire of mine.  She said if I chose something I desired, then I would prosper and I did in college.

Now she is saying I will still prosper but it’s going to take time to grow another level onto my foundation.

My desire is to write, to communicate, and to touch people with my words. It is something that stood out strongly in my college’s English department, words are powerful and words can make a difference.

My desire is to write.  What is yours?

Endless Possibilities Available Now or Later

Last night I talked about how post graduation life is not as glamorous as some of us are led to believe, especially how much I was led to believe.

But tonight I want to discuss how there are endless possibilities. I know I am contradicting myself a bit but let me explain.  In our society, we have this pressure to lead a certain kind of life, whether it is a lawyer, doctor, teacher, nurse, fireman, police man, EMT, groom (horse world job), horse trainer, personal body trainer, accountant, sales representative, or owning your own business, the list goes on.  We have a pressure to find our careers right now, but we don’t realize that we don’t have to do everything in such a hurry.

In this day and age we have people living until they are 98 years old.  Do you know how many different lives we can have during one lifetime? I’m no math genius or scientist, but I’d like to believe that we can have many different lives in our one shot on this magical world. For instance, my grandfather was a wonderful man.  He was a US Navy veteran of World War II, he graduated from MIT in 1949 receiving a degree in mechanical engineering, and then he climbed the ladder at Alogonquin Gas Transmission Company started as a summer construction worker and ended up retiring as the Chairman, President, and Chief Executive. But he didn’t stop there…he continued his life being an amazing caregiver.  He took care of my grandmother, his children, and his grandchildren by being supportive with everyones’ life decisions. He actually is memorialized at a near by Bj’s because of the amount of shopping and food delivering her would do during the economic struggles. Needless to say, he was an extremely hard working individual and lived life to the fullest, and my point is that he did not just fall into he mold and live and die as one title, he lived about three to four different lives in his one lifetime and he didn’t do all of this in one breath. Everything he accomplished took time, loads of time and dedication and hard work.  It is something to be admired for and it is something I admire so much.  Sometimes, I don’t realize how wonderful of a man he was and that’s not right because there is so much I can learn from the people around me.

Yes, life is hard and some have it better than others and some have it worse than others.  And I am aware that I have it better than others and I am thankful and appreciative for that.  So, maybe I am a little biased in saying this, but life has so much to offer.  Individuals tend to get wrapped up in the newest gadget, I’m guilty of that, and don’t see the bigger picture. The bigger picture is that life is a gift.  There are endless possibilities out there (and some of them aren’t career related or money driven).

Life (easy or hard) isn’t going anywhere.  Life is happening everyday and there is no slowing life down. We don’t have to do everything all the time. So don’t be afraid to take time to breath, to relax, and to work on yourself because no one can live a life if he or she isn’t living life his or her self.

Post Grad Fun (?)

So, I graduated from college in May…it’s now August with barely any money and no job acceptance in sight.  Why was I in such a rush to be an adult?

I’m not living the fabulous adult life.  I am living at home with my gracious parents. Sleeping in the same room where with the same shade of pink I picked out in 1999, that reminds me of a baby nursery.  Why did I like this color as a kid? I did some rearranging of furniture to give my room an “adult” makeover, which is a little helpful but not the improvements I was looking for.

I don’t have the fabulous adult career.  I have had one job interview, which ended with rejection.  Let’s just say that was a set back. But don’t worry I have been answering the “so what are you going to do now” question.  And my answer is always the same: Well I’ve been taking classes and riding horses practically my whole life, so I don’t know what I want to do with my life.  But I am 22 and some people consider that “young.”

So, with one rejection already notched into my belt, I started what I consider to be a job search.  Fun fact: every low level, entry level job, requires experience.  At least one year experience, maybe two or more.  Fabulous. How was I suppose to know exactly what I wanted to do while I was in school? All I really thought about was school, friends, boys (of course boys, especially this one boy…but that’s another blog), and horses (yes, I am an equestrian, horse loving female that would rather ride horses during my free time while I was in high school than actually having a social life, but we all make our sacrifices).  So, the next question would be: Why not do something with horses?  That’s a marvelous question and I wish I felt differently than I do. But  I don’t think I want to work in the “Horse World” my whole life, emphasis on the *whole*.  I have been riding horses since I was 8, I have sacrificed a lot for the amazing opportunities I was lucky and blessed to have by my supportive parents, but I like horses as my hobby, my outlet for when the world can be so mean, I’m not so wild about it being my job because I am afraid I might end up resenting it. It’s a great world and I love it, but I don’t know if that’s what I want my life to be.

I like meeting new people.  I like going out.  I like getting dressed in normal clothes instead of my breeches and t-shirts.  I know people in the horse world like the same things and find a balance, but I don’t know if I want to balance the two anymore.

Basically the rant is to demonstrate how much I don’t know.  Been going to school since I was like 3 or 4 and I still don’t know what I want to do. When I was younger I always thought I knew what I wanted to do: be an actress, be an olympic rider, to be a journalist, to be an editor. Now? I don’t what I want to be. I’m 22, I got time (I think) ((I hope)).

So, please join me and watch my changes with the changes going on in the world.  I feel like this is going to be a year of changes…how fabulous!