I sleep in your shirt.
It’s a comfort for me.
I sleep in your shirt.
it’s better than a picture to me.
I sleep in your shirt.
It’s a casualty to me.
I sleep in your shirt.
It’s a token for me.
I sleep in your shirt.
It’s a sign to me.
I sleep in your shirt.
It’s hope for me.
I sleep in your shirt..
The memories of my past are fading. Some are fading faster than others. Some won’t fade and I don’t know if they ever will.
I remember feeling a certain way towards certain people. I remember those feelings but does that mean I still have those feelings? No. I don’t think I do. But, I have to ask, what happens to those feelings I once had for someone? What happened to the care I once had for someone? I still care about these certain people but it isn’t the same. Once talking constantly has turned into never talking. Why?
Any kind of relationship: romantic or friendly involves some effort. When is it time to stop giving in the effort? When is it time to stop caring because that person obviously doesn’t give a shit about what is going on in your life? I still care there. I care for all of my friends. Maybe there is so much going on in both of our lives that it is hard to put in some effort. It’s not like we are back at college and can hangout whenever we want.
I guess I just miss that simplicity of hanging out again. I miss talking, smiling, laughing, and crying with them. As great as technology is, it is not the same as being with my friends in person, together again.
So, I want to switch the topic up a little bit this time because I want to talk about fashion.
I am not an expert on fashion but I do like to know what is going on with trends and all of that fun stuff. Of course the first thing I notice is that the clothes and trends these designers show us are on models. I am no model. I am five foot girl just looking for some height, but I have also notices recent articles explaining how any trend can work for any body type. Not going to lie but I appreciate articles like that. It’s as if the fashion world has taken a notice to us “non models” as Carrie Bradshaw would say.
I have also noticed the activism of body confidence. Seeing women like Demi Lovato, Khloe Kardashian, and Jennifer Lawrence make a point about women’s’ bodies and how women are built differently is a fabulous thing to see. For me, seeing women in the spotlight promoting body confidence has me like our society a little bit more because it is a part of our society that makes a point to say uniqueness and individualism is something to be proud of and not something to be ashamed of.
I’m not going to body shame any body type because all women have gorgeous bodies. When I was at college I lived with 11 different girls and we all different body types. Some of us had more in common than others but the point is that we all found an appreciation for our bodies and for the bodies of our friends. It was interesting to see how we all still wanted something more, like I wanted to be skinner but then there were friends of mine that were the size I wanted to be but they didn’t like their hips or the fact that they didn’t have a but. it’s ironic to see a thin girl and to me I think she has it all, but then to see she doesn’t, is interesting to see…
What isn’t interesting to see is how some people in the media feel the need to body shame people. I kind of just want to be like “What’s the point?” Nothing is every accomplished when that happens. It’s just more negativity on realism and more positivity for the need to be “perfect.” Perfection is boring. Our flaws are what make us beautiful, unique, and real. I used this as a caption on my Instagram post and I did the #nomakeupmonday and I said “#nomakeupmonday because flaws are beautiful and being flawless is boring.”
This week is the first week back at my college that I am now an alumni of.
Naturally a lot of memories and emotions reemerged this week. Some being: nostalgia, happiness, sadness, love?
Or I should say what I thought was what could have been a beautiful love story. Instead, it ended up being a tragedy that I am so thankful is over.
Anyways, I reached out to this ex lover of mine and it did wonders for me…
I don’t think about him as much.
I don’t miss him anymore
And most importantly, I don’t fantasize what could have been (this was a big one for me because the “what if” kept getting inside my head and I couldn’t stop them).
It was probably the most freeing thing I could have done for myself. Some of my friends would shake their heads at this but it was something I needed to do. It gave me the closure I was looking for this whole time. He and I were able to talk as if nothing ever happened and that’s all I wanted. I want to remember what happened so I can learn from the mistakes we both made but I want to forget the toxic feeling of it all because my past relationships and mistakes do not define me now.
It’s amazing how lighter I feel. I’m no longer bitter/cynical about what happened. I think I can embrace what is to happen next now…
I am ready for the next chapter in my life. I no longer want to wish time would reverse but I am excited for what is to come because I know that my life will bring so many unforeseen things that will make me smile.
Happiness is the ultimate accessory, I can never forget that.
I’ve had two people come back into my life after two ugly separations…
I use to think once you have crossed me that it was done, over, but I am learning that it isn’t that black and white like many other things in life. This is a grey area…
I’m happier with these two individuals back in my life. I have realized that I have missed them…
It’s nice seeing how people are capable of forgiveness on both sides.
It’s nice seeing how people still accept you at your worst and you accept them at their worst.
It’s nice to see humanity in humans with my own eyes.
Forgiveness is a hard act to do, but is beautiful and freeing act once done.
I was once a Romantic. Sometimes, when it comes to situations with my friends and their love lives, I still am. But, with my love life, I try to stay realistic. Although, I’d be lying to myself if I thought I believed in love like I once did.
I remember being young and watching romance movies over and over again and believe that would happen to me. The guy coming back at the end and apologizing and loving the female character for who she truly was. It seemed so realistic. And I ate up every minuet of it, but wasn’t I their target audience? Plus, it was a movie. Movies don’t lie, right? Yeah to be young and naive again I guess…
Now here I am today, writing about my post romantic self. I don’t know if I believe in love as strongly as I did when I was younger. Life isn’t a movie no matter how much I pretend it is.
I’ve has my heartbroken and it sucks. I never truly understood what it meant to have my heartbroken until it happened to me. I never knew one person could have such an impact on my life and my life decisions and vice versa. That is something the movies don’t portray all too well. What I do know is there is no remedy for it to go away, especially when the guy never comes back. Just talking to another guy doesn’t work. Just kissing another guy doesn’t work. Just sleeping with another guy doesn’t work.
Why?
Because there is still a very little part of me that believes it’ll work out at the end. Maybe once a Romantic can never recover…
Last night I talked about how post graduation life is not as glamorous as some of us are led to believe, especially how much I was led to believe.
But tonight I want to discuss how there are endless possibilities. I know I am contradicting myself a bit but let me explain. In our society, we have this pressure to lead a certain kind of life, whether it is a lawyer, doctor, teacher, nurse, fireman, police man, EMT, groom (horse world job), horse trainer, personal body trainer, accountant, sales representative, or owning your own business, the list goes on. We have a pressure to find our careers right now, but we don’t realize that we don’t have to do everything in such a hurry.
In this day and age we have people living until they are 98 years old. Do you know how many different lives we can have during one lifetime? I’m no math genius or scientist, but I’d like to believe that we can have many different lives in our one shot on this magical world. For instance, my grandfather was a wonderful man. He was a US Navy veteran of World War II, he graduated from MIT in 1949 receiving a degree in mechanical engineering, and then he climbed the ladder at Alogonquin Gas Transmission Company started as a summer construction worker and ended up retiring as the Chairman, President, and Chief Executive. But he didn’t stop there…he continued his life being an amazing caregiver. He took care of my grandmother, his children, and his grandchildren by being supportive with everyones’ life decisions. He actually is memorialized at a near by Bj’s because of the amount of shopping and food delivering her would do during the economic struggles. Needless to say, he was an extremely hard working individual and lived life to the fullest, and my point is that he did not just fall into he mold and live and die as one title, he lived about three to four different lives in his one lifetime and he didn’t do all of this in one breath. Everything he accomplished took time, loads of time and dedication and hard work. It is something to be admired for and it is something I admire so much. Sometimes, I don’t realize how wonderful of a man he was and that’s not right because there is so much I can learn from the people around me.
Yes, life is hard and some have it better than others and some have it worse than others. And I am aware that I have it better than others and I am thankful and appreciative for that. So, maybe I am a little biased in saying this, but life has so much to offer. Individuals tend to get wrapped up in the newest gadget, I’m guilty of that, and don’t see the bigger picture. The bigger picture is that life is a gift. There are endless possibilities out there (and some of them aren’t career related or money driven).
Life (easy or hard) isn’t going anywhere. Life is happening everyday and there is no slowing life down. We don’t have to do everything all the time. So don’t be afraid to take time to breath, to relax, and to work on yourself because no one can live a life if he or she isn’t living life his or her self.
So, I graduated from college in May…it’s now August with barely any money and no job acceptance in sight. Why was I in such a rush to be an adult?
I’m not living the fabulous adult life. I am living at home with my gracious parents. Sleeping in the same room where with the same shade of pink I picked out in 1999, that reminds me of a baby nursery. Why did I like this color as a kid? I did some rearranging of furniture to give my room an “adult” makeover, which is a little helpful but not the improvements I was looking for.
I don’t have the fabulous adult career. I have had one job interview, which ended with rejection. Let’s just say that was a set back. But don’t worry I have been answering the “so what are you going to do now” question. And my answer is always the same: Well I’ve been taking classes and riding horses practically my whole life, so I don’t know what I want to do with my life. But I am 22 and some people consider that “young.”
So, with one rejection already notched into my belt, I started what I consider to be a job search. Fun fact: every low level, entry level job, requires experience. At least one year experience, maybe two or more. Fabulous. How was I suppose to know exactly what I wanted to do while I was in school? All I really thought about was school, friends, boys (of course boys, especially this one boy…but that’s another blog), and horses (yes, I am an equestrian, horse loving female that would rather ride horses during my free time while I was in high school than actually having a social life, but we all make our sacrifices). So, the next question would be: Why not do something with horses? That’s a marvelous question and I wish I felt differently than I do. But I don’t think I want to work in the “Horse World” my whole life, emphasis on the *whole*. I have been riding horses since I was 8, I have sacrificed a lot for the amazing opportunities I was lucky and blessed to have by my supportive parents, but I like horses as my hobby, my outlet for when the world can be so mean, I’m not so wild about it being my job because I am afraid I might end up resenting it. It’s a great world and I love it, but I don’t know if that’s what I want my life to be.
I like meeting new people. I like going out. I like getting dressed in normal clothes instead of my breeches and t-shirts. I know people in the horse world like the same things and find a balance, but I don’t know if I want to balance the two anymore.
Basically the rant is to demonstrate how much I don’t know. Been going to school since I was like 3 or 4 and I still don’t know what I want to do. When I was younger I always thought I knew what I wanted to do: be an actress, be an olympic rider, to be a journalist, to be an editor. Now? I don’t what I want to be. I’m 22, I got time (I think) ((I hope)).
So, please join me and watch my changes with the changes going on in the world. I feel like this is going to be a year of changes…how fabulous!
Feeling 22 