The memories of my past are fading. Some are fading faster than others. Some won’t fade and I don’t know if they ever will.
I remember feeling a certain way towards certain people. I remember those feelings but does that mean I still have those feelings? No. I don’t think I do. But, I have to ask, what happens to those feelings I once had for someone? What happened to the care I once had for someone? I still care about these certain people but it isn’t the same. Once talking constantly has turned into never talking. Why?
Any kind of relationship: romantic or friendly involves some effort. When is it time to stop giving in the effort? When is it time to stop caring because that person obviously doesn’t give a shit about what is going on in your life? I still care there. I care for all of my friends. Maybe there is so much going on in both of our lives that it is hard to put in some effort. It’s not like we are back at college and can hangout whenever we want.
I guess I just miss that simplicity of hanging out again. I miss talking, smiling, laughing, and crying with them. As great as technology is, it is not the same as being with my friends in person, together again.
So, I want to switch the topic up a little bit this time because I want to talk about fashion.
I am not an expert on fashion but I do like to know what is going on with trends and all of that fun stuff. Of course the first thing I notice is that the clothes and trends these designers show us are on models. I am no model. I am five foot girl just looking for some height, but I have also notices recent articles explaining how any trend can work for any body type. Not going to lie but I appreciate articles like that. It’s as if the fashion world has taken a notice to us “non models” as Carrie Bradshaw would say.
I have also noticed the activism of body confidence. Seeing women like Demi Lovato, Khloe Kardashian, and Jennifer Lawrence make a point about women’s’ bodies and how women are built differently is a fabulous thing to see. For me, seeing women in the spotlight promoting body confidence has me like our society a little bit more because it is a part of our society that makes a point to say uniqueness and individualism is something to be proud of and not something to be ashamed of.
I’m not going to body shame any body type because all women have gorgeous bodies. When I was at college I lived with 11 different girls and we all different body types. Some of us had more in common than others but the point is that we all found an appreciation for our bodies and for the bodies of our friends. It was interesting to see how we all still wanted something more, like I wanted to be skinner but then there were friends of mine that were the size I wanted to be but they didn’t like their hips or the fact that they didn’t have a but. it’s ironic to see a thin girl and to me I think she has it all, but then to see she doesn’t, is interesting to see…
What isn’t interesting to see is how some people in the media feel the need to body shame people. I kind of just want to be like “What’s the point?” Nothing is every accomplished when that happens. It’s just more negativity on realism and more positivity for the need to be “perfect.” Perfection is boring. Our flaws are what make us beautiful, unique, and real. I used this as a caption on my Instagram post and I did the #nomakeupmonday and I said “#nomakeupmonday because flaws are beautiful and being flawless is boring.”
This week is the first week back at my college that I am now an alumni of.
Naturally a lot of memories and emotions reemerged this week. Some being: nostalgia, happiness, sadness, love?
Or I should say what I thought was what could have been a beautiful love story. Instead, it ended up being a tragedy that I am so thankful is over.
Anyways, I reached out to this ex lover of mine and it did wonders for me…
I don’t think about him as much.
I don’t miss him anymore
And most importantly, I don’t fantasize what could have been (this was a big one for me because the “what if” kept getting inside my head and I couldn’t stop them).
It was probably the most freeing thing I could have done for myself. Some of my friends would shake their heads at this but it was something I needed to do. It gave me the closure I was looking for this whole time. He and I were able to talk as if nothing ever happened and that’s all I wanted. I want to remember what happened so I can learn from the mistakes we both made but I want to forget the toxic feeling of it all because my past relationships and mistakes do not define me now.
It’s amazing how lighter I feel. I’m no longer bitter/cynical about what happened. I think I can embrace what is to happen next now…
I am ready for the next chapter in my life. I no longer want to wish time would reverse but I am excited for what is to come because I know that my life will bring so many unforeseen things that will make me smile.
Happiness is the ultimate accessory, I can never forget that.
I was once a Romantic. Sometimes, when it comes to situations with my friends and their love lives, I still am. But, with my love life, I try to stay realistic. Although, I’d be lying to myself if I thought I believed in love like I once did.
I remember being young and watching romance movies over and over again and believe that would happen to me. The guy coming back at the end and apologizing and loving the female character for who she truly was. It seemed so realistic. And I ate up every minuet of it, but wasn’t I their target audience? Plus, it was a movie. Movies don’t lie, right? Yeah to be young and naive again I guess…
Now here I am today, writing about my post romantic self. I don’t know if I believe in love as strongly as I did when I was younger. Life isn’t a movie no matter how much I pretend it is.
I’ve has my heartbroken and it sucks. I never truly understood what it meant to have my heartbroken until it happened to me. I never knew one person could have such an impact on my life and my life decisions and vice versa. That is something the movies don’t portray all too well. What I do know is there is no remedy for it to go away, especially when the guy never comes back. Just talking to another guy doesn’t work. Just kissing another guy doesn’t work. Just sleeping with another guy doesn’t work.
Because there is still a very little part of me that believes it’ll work out at the end. Maybe once a Romantic can never recover…