Check the Box

In life, we are faced with many decisions, many paths, and many choices that we have to decide on…

We can only pick one.  We can only choose one.

So how do we make the “right” choice?  How do we know that we are making the right decision?  How do we know what path to take?

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I have a decision that I have to make.  It is not one of those die hard choices or decisions that impact my life forever.  Instead, it is a decision about a boy.  A boy that has been kind to me.  A boy that has been mean to me.  I say mean as if I am a child being picked on at the playground during recess.  What I mean is, being a “fuckboy.”  Having different woman almost every night.  Talking crap about what he has done with them.  Basically, treating women like they are expendable…

There are times when he is kind to me and I see a little light of goodness in him.  Sometimes, when he looks at me it’s like he truly cares (sometimes).  Sometimes, when he says things to me he has me believe that he cares. There was a brief moment where I actually thought he wanted to try things with him, officially.  Like I said, the moment was brief.

But when he treats me like he treats the other girls, I want to scream.  I’ve never slept with him because that is something that is too intimate for me sometimes without knowing where things are going with a boy…but I have stayed the night with him and he has always been sweet when I do.  He respects when I say no.  Unfortunately, I have found out that he has said some not nice things about me in bed to a mutual friend of ours.  I was livid.  I hated him.  I still do, but that doesn’t out weigh how I stupidly think our “connection” is different. I know it is not different, but I can’t shake the feeling of continuing to try…

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Am I crazy?  Because I feel crazy.

So where my decision comes into play is he is leaving for who knows how long and I don’t know if I should try to make an effort to see him one more time or leave it be.  All of my girlfriends say to leave it.  They say to walk away because he is no good.  They are all right.  But there is this part of me that wants to put it to bed by not walking away but by face to face. (yes, I am aware how silly and naive and stupid I sound).

Do I walk away or do I try one last time for a boy who has never tried back?

I guess I am looking for some outside guidance in this…

2 thoughts on “Check the Box

  1. To the gentle soul who wrote from her heart, I send greetings from my heart. Heart-to-heart connection is what you, I and all of us seek but all too rarely find. And when we find it, it seems fleeting, ethereal — so despairingly impermanent. We naturally seek love and sense eventually when a counterfeit substitute for love is being made available. We sense love with our inner being, the core of us that we sometimes call our heart. The world around us insists that we give more weight to messages we receive from “outside” of us than to messages we receive from within us.

    You wrote at the end of your post “I guess I am looking for some outside guidance in this…” You may interpret what I write here as “outside” guidance. But I write not to give you outside guidance but to encourage you to listen to your own inner guidance and to dare to hear it and heed it. So, I write not to tell you what to do, for that would imply that you lack the power to act upon what you know within you. I write to share with you my own struggle to listen to, hear and heed the inner guidance I receive. We each (and all) have the capacity to listen to love’s gentle guidance within us. Yet most people tune it out in favor of seeking approval from others. Under fear’s reign of reward (e.g., pride) and punishment (e.g., guilt and shame), we have learned these lessons well. I know that I’ve been a social approval addict earlier in my life and always risk falling into that trap again. I learned eventually that I hungered for acceptance, not approval, although the bonus of approval is grand too. I still hunger for acceptance. I want to belong rather than be alone. Now at least I’ve learned the immense value of solitude and no longer fear being alone. The Universe (or God/Goddess or Love by any other name that smells as sweet) has always eventually offered me experiences that enhance my life if I’m willing to wait for awhile in solitude with myself and watch for those opportunities to come along, seeking them actively but not out of desperation to no longer be alone.

    People have taken advantage of me when I grieve for myself as a “lonely person” “nobody will ever desire to hold, comfort and laugh with.” Yet, that’s not who I am in truth. Neither are you. You have shared your inner thoughtfulness quite well enough to tell me that you are truly a desirable person who deserves to be treated much better than this “boy” treats you. He does not think of you as a person of value. To him you are a physical comfort toy. He objectifies himself and others, including you. He uses you as a break from his own addiction to lustful conquests. He is a boy, not a man. He’s not even a boy seeking to become a man because he’s trapped in his addiction, in his ego’s lust for power and more and more “proof” of his masculinity and value as a person. He is trying to prove something to himself in a way that will never, never work. He will never find satisfaction at the deepest level at which we all hunger to experience it by going down that path he is currently taking. And he will not change or even re-evaluate his path simply because you try to convince him to do so. He is frolicking in the shallows while you wade deeper into life. His is a path the crowds travel. Yours is a path less traveled. Your paths are diverging. At this crossroads you must validate your own value and move forward along your own path, as I did mine. This relationship is no longer a helpful match for you. In your heart, if you find this message ringing true then you already know it is true. Thus this is not guidance from outside but a confirmation of your own inner guidance.

    One of my gifts is to listen and read between the lines when others share from their hearts. I am hearing your heart cry out for love — and for true opportunities to share yourself as a lover, in heart-to-heart intimacy, not merely in sexual intimacy. I hear that being with this boy has been exciting, an adventure in life that has brought you lessons of infinite value. And yet those lessons are tough ones, as they were for me. I had to learn that “charm” is not real. It is sweet talk to manipulate me. The person speaking may have ambiguous feelings about being with me and I may hope that he or she will resolve those feelings by becoming entirely certain that I’m the “one” he or she desires to claim as his or her “true love.” The problem with my hope is that the person who is the object of my hope has not (at least as yet) developed the capacity to share love as love is honestly defined. Few people have. I had to develop that capacity within myself before I could share it with anyone else. That development is challenging inner work. My encounters with others, including those who had little or no capacity to share love, helped to me to clarify my understanding of my true self, what love really is and how to share it openly and honestly. In the process, I had to also clarify my own immense value as a person and stop sacrificing my value, self-respect and giftedness on the altar of any other person’s ego. I had to overcome my fears, including my fear of being alone and rejected by an object of my desire and of rejecting others, even when they were hurting and I thought I could help them hurt less by being with them. In short, I had to learn what it means to care for myself and others without co-dependent overtones my ego sought to impose out of fear.

    I had to learn to let go. I had to learn that letting go is not an expression of “not caring” but a divine way of caring. I had to learn self-discipline and no longer try to control others by any means, no matter how well-intended and seemingly harmless. I had to respect my own free will and make choices that were and are in my own best interests in the long run and not try to impose my choices on another person whose phase of self-development and self-understanding did not match well with mine. I had to let go, free my life of relationships that were holding me back (and down), grieve through my emotions, let my bruised and broken heart recover its natural health and beauty and then take the risk of encountering the world again from a perspective of renewed Self, a Self with power from which I had been hiding within my own ego. I had to learn all there was to learn about healthy relationships and unlearn my habits of engaging in relationships in ways unhealthy (and in the long run unhappy) for me. I had to come to know that what is unhealthy for me is likewise unhealthy for everyone in relationship with me. I had to become aware of my purpose in being here on Earth at this immensely challenging time and live according to it.

    And I had to learn to do what you are doing — opening your heart and mind to others in trust that someone will honor me and allow me to feel less alone in my quest for authenticity and integrity. I had to accept that more I advanced along the path of my evolving quest and developed authenticity and integrity, the fewer my fellow travelers would be — because we live in a world that encourages us to survive and conform within the status quo as pretenders (egos) instead of thrive as real people within an ever-evolving world. I had to read and re-read the story of the Velveteen Rabbit and realize that one becomes real through the love of a child while yet one may also have to let go of childish expectations and grow more mature along the way. Love is the most precious experience the Universe extends to us because we are created as expressions of love to share divine love forever. The false substitutes for love that the modern, materialistic (and ultimately unwise and deceitful) world offers us can be alluring and tempt us to fail in our quest for purest love. We can stray into their webs of deceit for a while. Eventually we have to use our blade of truth to cut ourselves free again and move on. Our blade of truth is enchanted with the power to overcome all deceptions and open the eyes of our hearts to the clarity of sight we seek. Into every open heart wisdom freely flows. May a renewing vision of who you are and why you are here flow into your heart now and always.

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